Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
You smell like stripper and shame
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
