I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize