don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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