Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize