so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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