i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
