Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
