I've blown a few things in my day
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
You may now shotgun with the bride
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
