I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
