Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
