just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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