I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
I DEMAND FORESKIN
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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