He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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