More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize