i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
