I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
