i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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