my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
