Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
