She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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