is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize