Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
