I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
