I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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