a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
