She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
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