she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We have so much sex to catch up on
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
