I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Randomize
