i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
