He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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