i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
