.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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