I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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