Nicole vs. Life
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
