So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize