i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
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