i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
