Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
