Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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