This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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