Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
