I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
