i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
