I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
