You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
