Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize