Apparently you make a good broom.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize