I only kidnapped one of them. chill
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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