Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
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