Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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