If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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