I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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