There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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