I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
