Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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