all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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