every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize
