We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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