it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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