the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
MIDGETS
????
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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