haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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