dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
