So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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