I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
