i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
