someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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