We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
two words...techno handjob
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
