half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
