....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
