I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
