why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
do nipples grow back?
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